Link vs. Mario

There are a lot of legendary battles. Ali and Frazier, Magic and Jordan, Mike
Brown and Brad Pitt...the list goes on. While intellectually stimulating, most are ultimately meaningless.
In the history of the world I have raised the most important question: Who is the greatest hero? This is narrowed down to two individuals: Link and Mario.

There are many variables to take into consideration: origins, quality of enemies bested, amount of gold collected (the bling factor), number of times the princess has been rescued, and number of blow-jobs received for said rescues.
These factors-and many more-must be entered into the Perennial Excellence Negotiator for International Supremacy matrix, otherwise known as the PENIS.

A little known fact, the PENIS was first invented by Sir Isaac Newton, and after being stuck in the anals of history for many centuries, became flacid. It wasn't until it was re-excited by Albert Einstein in the early 20th century that it grew long and hard and re-inserted itself into the holes of intellectual discourse, finally exploding all over our faces.

Origins
First of all, Mario is an Italian. Italians-simply by being born Italian-kick massive amounts of ass. They have blessed humanity with unparalleled goodies like spaghetti, the mafia, and that sweet ride John Paul II used to roll in. They ruled the western world for a bigger chunk of human history than anybody else. Their country is shaped like a boot, as if to say to the world: "If you fuck with us we will kick you in the ass with our steel-toed element of badassery." Mario is an Italian, and was therefore born with a larger than normal sized cock.

Link, on the other hand, is a fairy. Let me repeat that with a little more emphasis: Link is a fucking fairy. Fairies are quite possibly the gayest creatures ever. It's like being an angel without any of the sweet powers. It's the default costume chicks pick when they procrastinate and all the sudden it's October 30th.
Here's what Wikipedia says about fairies:
"When considered as beings that a person might actually encounter, fairies were noted for their mischief and malice. Some pranks ascribed to them, such as tangling the hair of sleepers into "Elf-locks", stealing small items or leading a traveler astray..."
That's it? Messing up my hair and telling me the wrong street address? That's the mischief equivalent of being a homeless barber. Bart Simpson has more skeletons in the closet.
The PENIS gives the upper-hand to Mario.
Overall Score: Mario: 1 Link: 0

Boss to Beat
Bowser vs. Ganon.
Bowser is the P. Diddy of the video game world. He's a huge fucking dinosaur who has a seemingly endless supply of minions and on any given day can be found kicking it in one of his numerous castles. He's so rich he just leaves gold coins around the world cause he doesn't give a fuck. I've never seen his personal chambers, but I imagine he's got a room with every video game system imaginable and a bunch of stripper poles and a hot tub and an endless supply of Coors light that his roommates don't drink when he's at work cause he has a job now and has to work and it's an allright job or whatever but coming home and finding all your beer gone fucking sucks.
Anyways, Bowser rules by fear. He says "Jump" and his minions jump, they don't even ask, "When may I come down sir?" They jump and fucking float there. They would rather defy the laws of gravity and remain suspended in air before they would defy Bowser. He rules by fear, not respect. I respect that.
Bowser is a dude who breathes fire and throws hammers. When he gets bored, he kidnaps princesses. You know he hits that shit doggystyle too. You just know it. They can't show it cause it's a kid's game but you know it goes down. Don't tell me you haven't thought about it. I know I have. He shows her the insides of one of his castles, treats her to a few roofie-laced drinks, shows her a room filled with gold that has nice drapes and expensive art and shit, walks behind her, flips up that little pink dress of hers to expose that perfect little ass...

Ganon strikes me as more of a hands-on dictator. He walks the halls of his dungeons, checking the locks. He gets drunk with his underlings. He has meetings that last months. He plans out every detail of his scheme. While contractually obligated to provide a key for each locked door, he doesn't make it easy. Ganon cares about his evil plans, and it shows. While Bowser is more of the flashy type, Ganon is low key. He's not into the suits and nice cars, but he treats his peeps well. That's why they've always got cash on them when Link kills them. While the number of troops that Bowser and Ganon have may be close to equal, when shit hits the fan, and the battle is about to be lost, Bowser's troops flee in fear, while Ganon's troops are well disciplined, because they know their leader always has a plan, and that loyalty shines through to the end.
In the end, Bowser is the tougher boss. While Ganon is more intelligent, more wise, and better prepared, he can't front a fire-breathing dragon who throws hammers. Bowser would rip through Gannon's dungeon, ignoring all locked doors and enemies, and while Ganon was devising a scheme to trick him, Bowser already has his razor sharp teeth buried in his neck. Then he roasts Ganon's dead body with his fire, and eats him for dinner. Then he fucks Zelda.
The PENIS awards the Better Boss point to Mario.
Overall Score: Mario: 2 Link: 0

Day-Job
Mario is a plumber. He literally cleans up people's shit. While respectable from that whole "I'm a hard-working middle-class male" work-ethic point of view, personally-I leave shit cleaning to the immigrants.
I don't know what Link does, if anything. As far as I can tell he's unemployed.
The PENIS awards the Day-Job nod to Link
Overall Score: Mario: 2 Link: 1

Better Princess:
Peach vs. Zelda
Peach is hot. But you know she's a spoiled little rich bitch. She's a fucking valley girl who says "like" every other word and has 300 pairs of shoes. I've dated girls like this. While fun to fuck, ultimately you have to let them go because there's simply nothing upstairs. You can't hold a conversation with these people. They support the president in all his actions (because he's the president), they loudly proclaim their personal relationship with God (without ever going to church or reading the bible), and think of their grandma as their personal hero because she sews sweaters or some shit. She only talks to Mario for a week or so after he saves her, and spends the rest of her time fucking the defensive line of the New York Giants.
Zelda, on the other hand, is cute-not hot. She's the type of girl who's pretty, but doesn't think of herself as such so she's much more approachable. She loves Link, always has and always will, but she doesn't talk about him twenty-four hours a day because she has her own life. She'll take shots with you (Peach drinks wine coolers), and has only had a few sexual partners (Peach is approaching a 100). She's smart as fuck, well read, hates the government, and loves scary movies. Ganon only has one nut because the first time he kidnapped Zelda (ransom) he planned an elaborate dinner. He wined her, dined her, and she made him think he had seduced her. He pulled down his pants and she bit off one of his testicles. Then she spit it in his face.
PENIS gives this one to Link
Overall Score: Mario: 2 Link: 2

Throw Down
It's 2 to 2. We need the deciding factor. We need an all out, no rules, mother- fucking brawl. Don't even fucking blink, you don't want to miss this shit. Sweat is dripping off the faces of our contenders. Mario has his weirdo gay brother in his corner, and they're going over strategy. They're eating mushrooms to grow taller, shoot fire, and jump higher.
Link is sharpening his sword and checking his arrows. His boomerang is in good shape. He's staring down this fat guinnea plumber and wondering how it got to this. He thinks to himself, "Rule number one: don't underestimate your enemy."

They're standing in an open field: no boundaries here. It's noon, and the sun is high. There's a slight breeze, but only enough to keep the heat from becoming overwhelming. The grass is flat, with patches of reeds scattered throughout. The plains have no end, and the only sound is the occasional rustling of a few weeds. No castles here. No dungeons. Just a blistering sun and a cloudless sky. Luigi hops on his Vespa and drives away, looking back once over his shoulder in stern contemplation. He knows his brother can win this, but he's worried nonetheless. "God-damnit Mario," he thinks to himself, "why do you always have to prove yourself..."

Link screams, "THIS ENDS NOW!" and charges Mario. Mario throws down what's left of his mushrooms, wipes his mouth, and jumps high into the air. Link watches him jump higher than any human being should be able to jump, and sees glaring red eyes that reflect one emotion: pure hatred.
Before Mario even knows what has happened, Link's boomerang is spinning through the air. Mario doesn't see or even feel the hit, but Link does. He hears it too. The fairy's finely tuned ears hear the fat plumber's nose crunch and he inadvertently cringes.
Mario's momentum shifts instantly, and he almost stops in the air. He flips backwards and hurls straight to the ground. When Mario comes to awareness he doesn't know how long it's been. Maybe a minute. Maybe an hour. "I'm still alive," he thinks to himself. And starts to get up.
Mario has never respected the magnititude of his physical abilities. A humble man, he has always acted on necessity, not vanity: it has taken less than two seconds for his mind to recover from the impact, and Link still hasn't received his weapon from the air. On all fours, Mario cups his hand below his nose and a pool of blood fills it immediately. He pukes.
Link sees his chance and charges instantly. Sword drawn, face blank, eyes glazed red with battle fury, he charges the downed opponent. The boomerang lands two feet from its master's starting position, un-retrieved.
As Link closes in, his sword is on its way down, a finishing stroke that would slice through the neck of a t-rex.
Mario sees it coming. He kicks out with his leg. Short-but powerful-it carries the force of a sledgehammer. He connects full-on with Links knee, and it snaps back. He falls to the ground, and instinctually grabs his leg, giving a shriek that echoes throughout the plains. Link will never use his left leg again.
Luigi, almost a mile away now, here's the wail, but he's too far away to tell whose voice it is. "Oh God..." he thinks, but doesn't let himself think any more than that. "I have to go back," he says aloud. And he does.
Mario is back on his feet, and his shirt is covered in the liquid still pouring from his face. His eyes are watery, his vision is blurry, but he makes his way over to his nemesis. Mario looks at the skinny fairy. "I hate that god-damned green outfit," he says gruffly, and summons a fireball.
Link sees the light begin to grow in the plumber's hand, and uses what little presence of mind he has left to roll to his right. The searing fire scorches the earth where he was less than a second before, so close that his back is warm, and Link smells the stench of burning hair. His own.
With his one good leg and both arms, he begins to crawl away. "Fucking pathetic," Mario thinks, and sees the sword the fairy-boy dropped. He smiles, picks it up, and casually walks over to the crippled man. Link is flat on his face, completely exhausted, arms and legs extended. He could be sleeping. Mario knows otherwise. Unfamiliar with the sword, he tests it's weight by tossing it from hand to hand. "You know what?" he taunts his fallen foe, "I always thought you were a fucking faggot. Maybe I'll fuck that Zelda of yours after I cut off your fucking head."
He takes the sword in both hands, and raises it above his head. Link, hearing the name of the woman he loves, comes back to consciousness. He feels something under his outstretched hand, and with what he has left grips it with all his remaining force, pushes himself up with his one good leg, and twists and lurches behind him in one motion.
Mario never saw it coming-which is ironic-because his eye is the place Link buried the handle of the boomerang. The handle was so big it didn't exactly fit in the eye socket, and it leaked with a weird goo Link had not seen before. It was certainly bloody, but there looked like something was mixed in it, some sort of mucus.
Mario never even let go of the sword. He just fell back. Dead.

Link fell on the ground, riddled with more pain than he had felt in his entire life. Completely exhausted, he closed his eyes. His last thoughts before passing out were, "Zelda owes me a fucking blowjob..."

PENIS scores Link.
Overall Score: Mario: 2 Link: 3

Victor: Link

The Military

Disclaimer: I highly recommend those of you who have family or friends in the military not to read this.

Read this: Man has no right to kill his brother. It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder.
--Percy Shelley

Damn straight. There is no human being - ever - more inherently and absolutely evil than the one who kills in the military. This is an individual who kills and justifies because a) he's wearing a uniform and b) gets paid to do it. There is no more despicable excuse for an action than "Well it's my job." Guess what fuck head: the Nazi's had jobs too. There job was to kill Jews. You know what the Nazi's told the Jews after II was over? "We were just doing our job." That is not an excuse. Getting paid to do something does not justify an action. That's what mercenaries do. And individuals in the military are legalized mercenaries paid to kill people on the bidding of people they will never meet for reasons they will never understand. When questioned, they give the most ludicrous reasons imaginable: "I fight for your freedom. I fight for justice and truth and for your ability to decry ostracize me. You are ungrateful. I fight for your freedom."
Let me explain to you the most basic and fundamental tenet of being a human being: I was born with inalienable rights. They are mine in lieu of being a human being. I have the right to think and speak my mind, to act in any way I deem fit as long as it does not hurt other people, and to fuck whatever the hell I want to as long as its consensual. Most importantly, I have the right to live. These rights are mine. They are not yours to give and take away at the end point of a barrel. I did not ask you to write them down for me and declare them mine. They are mine whether you understand it or not. I did not ask you to pick up a gun and shoot people and then say you were protecting my rights-nor will I allow it.
You are not protecting me. You are protecting interests you do not understand - and even if you did - you would still be wrong. You do not have the right to take the life of another human being. Period. I can not understand how anything in the world could be more simple than that. I don't care if you're getting paid to do it. I don't care if you staple the words "honor" and "freedom" to your sleeves and say you're killing for that.
As an example, take this guinnea's letter to Kerry. A few months ago Kerry fucked up (again) and basically said if you're smart you go to college, if you're stupid you go to Iraq. Here's part of his letter:

I am not unique among the enlisted
troops. Many of my enlisted colleagues include
lawyers, teachers, mechanics, engineers, musicians and
artists just to name a few. You say that your comments
were directed towards the President and not us. If we
were stupid Senator Kerry, we might have believed you.

I am not a victim of President Bush. I proudly serve
him because he is my Commander and Chief. If it was
you who was President, I would serve you just as
faithfully.

Was there ever a point more clearly illustrated? This man hates Kerry and and then goes on to say he would have killed whomever Kerry told him to if he were the President. How ludicrous is that? How are we allowing this to happen? It boggles the mind.

He delves further into his depths of retardation:
Senator Kerry, you don’t have to agree with this war.
You don’t have to say nice things about those of us
who choose to make sacrifices for the rights of every
American rather than sit back and simply feel entitled
to it.

You are not sacrificing anything. First of all: if you signed up for the military then you are not doing anything sacrificial. You are not giving up anything. You are putting your life in danger to go kill people, the innocent and the guilty. You may leave a wife and kids at home, but that was your choice. Secondly: if you didn't sign up, were drafted, that means you kill people so that you don't have to go to jail. Think about that: you are willing to take the lives of other people so that you don't have to go to jail. Are you sure you're attacking the right people? These are people who deny you your freedoms and your humanity if you do not kill for them.
You're not fighting for my rights: my rights are already mine. That would be cutting off my dick and handing it back to me, then getting pissed because I didn't say thank you. I get irate off every time some military kid says they are fighting for my freedom. My freedom is my own. I already have it. The fact that you think killing people somehow "protects" that is completely absurd and insults the very humanity I embody.
The same goes for cops.